In discussion: Body image, food issues and media influence
Written by Sophie Fallon
Photography by Sophie Fallon
Sophie: How did your body image issues begin?
Food has always been a problem for me, as far as I can remember. I just never wanted to eat a lot... I do recall the first time I thought about the way I looked though. It was in the changing rooms during PE at school and all the girls were being loud and shouting at it each other, you know how it used to be. I was in my cubicle and the popular girls started going "who's the skinniest in the class!?" Then a girl, who was anorexic at the time, shouted out "Saoirse Fallon is definitely the skinniest". She said it in such a weird way, and she was also super popular, but I remember smiling to myself, and at home we had a big mirror wall, and I remember trying on jeans thinking "wow I'm skinny as fuck!" I was happy about it. Until people started calling me anorexic, so that was short lived. (laughs)
Did going from being in school to being home-schooled influence your body image?
Yes. We went from being in school, where we weren’t able to go on our phones to then being on the Internet all day and all night, with no supervision. During that time, I saw some horrific stuff online, as did most people our age. So yeah, dropping out of school did have a big effect. Also, I was already sexually active when I dropped out, so there was a pre-existing insecurity there that got worse from being surrounded by social media and unrealistic body standards. It was a mess.
You were always on Tumblr, so can you tell me what your experience was like, because it is known for being full of ED content.
On Tumblr, I didn’t seek out Thinspo (hesitates) ... okay, I didn’t always seek it out. It would just come up for me because I interacted with it and sometimes, I did like it, so it was coming up on my feed. I liked it because it was the only place I was seeing my body at the time being represented and being idolized. There were a lot of ED accounts on Tumblr, but they’d normally be called ANA instead, like #ANA.
Was there a moment when you realized the standard switched from being skinny to being slim-thick?
Yes. We went from being in school, where we weren’t able to go on our phones to then being on the Internet all day and all night, with no supervision. During that time, I saw some horrific stuff online, as did most people our age. So yeah, dropping out of school did have a big effect. Also, I was already sexually active when I dropped out, so there was a pre-existing insecurity there that got worse from being surrounded by social media and unrealistic body standards. It was a mess. We were recently looking at a photo from twenty-fourteen (see below), and you acknowledged how unhealthily skinny you looked. Was there a point when you decided you wanted to change, and gain weight?
We were recently looking at a photo from twenty-fourteen (see below), and you acknowledged how unhealthily skinny you looked. Was there a point when you decided you wanted to change, and gain weight?
Yes, for sure. I started drinking those crazy shakes that were five hundred calories, but they weren’t making me gain any weight, like, it wasn't doing anything, so I gave up. Then I started smoking cannabis to help with my anxiety, and it made me hungry, so I started eating and now I'm a healthy weight! (Laughs) It took me eight or ten years to get to fifty kilos. I wasn’t just cannabis. I grew up and my body changed, I turned into a woman, and it was weird for me. Seeing my body with some weight on it.
“I remember trying on jeans thinking ‘wow I'm skinny as fuck’, I was happy about it. Until people started calling me anorexic, so that was short lived.”
We’ve talked about this before, but this feeling seems to never go away and it’swhen we’ve eaten a normal amount of food in day, we’re mad at ourselves. Then if we’ve under eaten, there’s a sense of proudness mixed with guilt, and you get it too...
Oh yes. When I haven't eaten, I'm mad at myself because, well, I need to be looking after myself better, but I am like *in a playful, upbeat tone* skinnnyyyy! I know it’s bad and it’s something I need to work on.
Do you think our generation has suffered the worst when it comes to body ideals and EDs?
Yes, because of social media. You could say that nineties or the sixties when the Twiggy look was in and then that's where heroin chic was derived from, but no. I think we’ve been impacted the worst. For sure.
How do you feel about current day trends with the likes of Gabriette and Charlie XCX bringing back super skinny look mixed with the glamourization of drugs like cocaine and ketamine?
I *hesitates* ... I love it for the aesthetics, but it shouldn't be an aesthetic. I love Charli’s songs but not the lyrics, like how she glorifies coke, it's ridiculous. *Pauses* I find it scary how full forced the skinny movement has come back because now I want to look like Bella Hadid, instead of Kylie Jenner and Kim Kardashian, and everyone is either on Ozempic or taking drugs to get skinner.
This may seem random, but clothing is interesting in the sense that it is another form of moulding your body into your ideal figure. Do you ever try to look smaller with clothes and achieve your ideal body?
Yes. 100%. That's why I always wear my tennis skirt and with a tucked shirt it gives the look of an hourglass, so the slim-thick thing never went away. Another weird thing is that I never like to feel big, I get insecure even when I have too many hoods on me because my hair's big enough as it is. I've always had times where I feel big even though I'm not at all. It's because of the hair.
Lastly, as of right now, where do you stand with your food issues and your body image?
Well, I can eat now. Food is something I crave now, and I love my body and I love my weight. Although I am scared, constantly, of gaining more weight.
Will that fear ever go away?
Hell no. That never goes away, it’s ingrained in me.